“Who are you? What are you? How do you live? What is God to you? Do you believe, do you believe, do you believe…” a thin, annoying and harsh voice whispered!
“I want to sleep, leave me alone! ” he said. He wanted to be left alone, he hated that voice… only if he could make him shut up, only if he could “seal” this hole, speaking and torturing him, forever!
“Do you believe, do you believe… are you a real believer? You don’t say yes, you don’t believe, do you?” the thin voice continued its tirade. It was tireless, tiresome, sizzling like a hot oil in a frying pan.
It was three past midnight! He went to bed four hours ago… the voice was whispering for four endless and horrible hours. Not whispering, insisting. And he knew the voice was right! It was always right, never wrong, it was always telling the truth. It was whispering until he admitted he wasn’t a Christian, he wasn't pious, he didn’t believe, he didn’t pray, he didn’t do anything the righteous people told him to do. When he admitted his sins, he could almost hear the soft and quiet laughter coming from the voice... the voice was always happy when he confessed his sins.
Every single night this happened. He talked to so many righteous people, asked for help, begged on his knees to make this voice stop. He was just a confused boy, he wanted to sleep, to run, to play, to love… ”Boy, God is not a toy! He is just and loving, confess your sins! This is the only way He can make this voice stop. The voice comes from the Devil, the Satan, the evil! You don’t want to live with it, do you?”. This is how they answered, the religious people, those who had been chosen by God to “rule” in his stead on Earth. And the voice came night after night though he was confessing…
One day he met her. Little, shy and innocent as an angel girl. The way she looked at him, the way she moved her lips gently, trying to say something she was too shy to say, her laughter pure and sweet as the sweetest fig, made him feel strange. He felt something he hadn’t felt before - he loved. Passionately and genuinely. Of course, he thought he was wrong, he shouldn’t have done this, he knew that the voice every night was going to get angrier and less patient to his sins. For the first time in his life he was right.
“Sinner, sinner, sinner, beg, beg, beg…” was screaming the voice all night long.” You left God because of a girl? You will pay, God will punish you!”
“No, I love him, I prayed all day, I swear, I prayed, don’t hurt me, don’t… I just love her, too.” was sobbing the boy.
No one heard his pain, no one heard his voice, no one was there to save him, even God. A God, they told him, who loves us all and forgives us all. Love... love was the word he repeated several times. ”I love her!” he murmured. “ I love her!” he shouted. “I love her!” - he screamed with all the strength he had. All they told him about God was Love, but they used fear, pain, doubt! “ God is Love.” he thought again. “God Loves me and I love God, and he loves her and I love her, too!” Something changed, something cracked beneath the surface... It started raining, cold and unpleasant rain but he imagined her - wet, shy and loving. He realized he saw God, he knew God, he understood God.
This night was silent. The voice wasn’t there. It was gone, far away… there was only satisfaction. And somewhere, above in the clouds, God was smiling.
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